What I have learnt about fatherhood from some good-enough dads

It is hard to believe it is 20 years since I began working with dads. Firstly, it was in rural communities as a part of suicide prevention programs, and then I created ‘dads only’ seminars.

In my early years as a parenting educator, I rarely saw dads at seminars. Nowadays, we can have up to 40% dads in the audience, and they tell me that they are coming willingly, not being dragged along!

Even though there are still some pretty deep cultural norms around the importance of mothers, there is such a seismic shift happening around the perception of how valuable fathering is. I was very blessed that, even back in the 1950s when fathers tended to be quite remote, I had a loving dad who was my securely attached parent.

I have had so many incredibly deep conversations with worried fathers that show how concerned many of them are about being good-enough parents. Not only are there cultural drivers that influence our behaviour as a parent, we are also influenced by biological things, such as brain differences and hormonal differences.

While more mums than dads tend to read my parenting books, at seminars dads have told me that they’ve made changes to the way they fathered their children because of videos they have watched on my YouTube channel. I have had other dads message to say that listening to podcasts has helped them change their behaviour to be more loving than maybe their own dads were. Others have watched documentaries like Seen, and that is helping them make a significant shift in the way they react to the challenging moments in their homes. It’s been such a wonderful shift.

I have been a huge supporter of The Fathering Project for many years and I now sit on the Australian Fathers Day Council. By the way, you can find some short videos of me in conversation with The Fathering Project founder Dr Bruce Robinson on their site.

I have loved that this project has been working in schools, communities and sporting organisations right across Australia, guiding our dads in ways that they can become the parent they really want to be.

What dads want their kids to know

I have run two seasons of my podcast The Good Enough Dad and I’m incredibly proud of the conversations I have had. There have been moments of much laughter especially with Jordan from How to Dad in New Zealand. Guy Sebastian might be a fabulous singer but he is not a very good sailor, especially when he’s steering a tinnie. There have been a lot of laughs, and a lot of poignant moments.

In every episode of the podcast I ask this question:

“If there was only one thing that you want your children to learn from you because you are their dad, what is that one thing?”

Joe Williams, a former NRL champion and champion boxer struggled to hold back the tears as he said that he wanted his kids to not only know that he loved them, he wanted them to feel his love. How important is that?

Larry Emdur, who is one of the loveliest guys on TV, responded that he shares the same simple message that his dad had given him: “just be nice.”

Australian surfing legend Adrian ‘Ace’ Buchan wants his kids to learn to be kind and to know that showing up with generosity and gratitude matters.

Hamish Blake’s response was similar – “Kindness to people and to themselves. I don’t think you can go too wrong with that.”

Dr Billy Garvey wants his kids to know how much he loves them and that they are the best part of his life.

Bestselling author Trent Dalton had a very deep response to the question:

“Please know that inside you, you carry a little pilot light and it’s a flame…and that flame has been passed down from your grandparents to your parents, to you and it will never go out. It might flicker. But it will never go out.”

David Campbell never knew who his dad was until he was 10 years of age. In one conversation he discovered that his mother was really his grandmother, and his sister was his mother…and his father was rock legend Jimmy Barnes. His advice to dads is full of wisdom:

“You can be the dad you want to be regardless of your childhood or the complete absence of your dad. So, you can watch dads that you respect, you can read books, you can listen to fantastic podcasts like this and yes you can do therapy and explore the stories that you keep telling yourself that are no longer true.” — David Campbell (2024 Australian Father of the Year)

I have had the opportunity to work with Dr Arne Rubinstein several times in my life and have a deep respect for him and his work. The rites of passage work he has created has transformed the lives of so many boys and their dads. He had a few profoundly important messages in season one of the podcast that I think every dad needs to be mindful of.

The first gem was a reminder that every kid is unique and different, and they have different strengths, gifts and needs. We have got to work out when we need to push a little more and when we need to back off a bit.

The second, really important message that every dad needs to hear is that you don’t have to be perfect, that there will be moments that you muck up and that still means you are a good enough parent. His final message was that:

Stepping up and being a real man as a dad is probably more about putting your kids first rather than you being first.

Being a stepfather or ‘bonus’ dad

Several of the fathers I interviewed were stepfathers or what I like to call ‘bonus’ dads.

Mitch Tambo is a first Nations man, social worker, musician and singer who fell in love with a beautiful woman, Lele, who had three daughters. Initially he doubted his capacity to be what the girls needed. What he realised is that he needed to stop overthinking everything. Instead “Just relax. Let go, man. Stop being so hard on yourselves. All right? And thanks to all our beautiful wives and partners for just believing and seeing who we can truly be.”

Mitch kept telling his daughters, including his biological daughter with Lele, “I want you to always know that I’m always here for you. No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, all I ask in return is you just tell me the truth. As long as you tell me the truth, I can deal with it. And we can just work through it.”

Josh Cunningham—best known for being one third of Aussie folk music royalty The Waifs—became a stepdad when he fell in love with musician Felicity Urquhart. Josh and Felicity shared a love of music as friends before their relationship deepened. Josh was in his 40s and thought he had missed the boat for becoming a dad. He explained how it felt.

“And it was such a, well, it was a beautiful thing, but also a really solemn kind of responsibility or something just to step into that role. It wasn’t just a, ‘I’ve fallen in love with your mum and this is all great, good times.’ It was a complete package and it was a really big thing to get into.” A key message he expressed that may be helpful for other bonus dads was that his intention was to come into this family not to replace the girls’ biological dad but rather be another dad.”

I remember at that point in the interview feeling my heart expanding with love, as that was exactly the approach that my own good bloke Steve—my boys’ bonus dad—took when he joined our family. He told my sons many, many times that his main job was to be supportive and loving towards me, their mother, and never to replace their dad.

Nothing could make me prouder of my four sons than how they have become dads themselves. From the moment they introduced me to their firstborn child, with the ups and downs of raising children today, they turn up every day with their hearts open.

Just like every other dad, they have days when they have wins, and days when they muck up. Being good-enough means simply being a warm connected, loving parent around 30-40% of the time.

Rather than beat yourself up on the muck up moments, focus on the wins, dad.

So many dads over the years have told me that they completely transformed their relationship with their kids positively, because they wrote them a note their kids could keep. Maybe this Father’s Day, you can write your child or each of your  kids a little love note telling them how much you love them and why? It may just be something they treasure forever.

Image credit: © by NDABCREATIVITY/ Adobe Stock