Kids, we need to talk about your anxiety

A guest post by Dr Kaylene Henderson

Over the last couple of decades, we’ve seen a troubling trend unfold around the world.

Our children and teens are becoming more anxious and less resilient.

Sure, that still-surreal pandemic made things worse for their mental health, but worryingly, this slippery slope actually began way back before any of our kids were even born.

For those kids most affected, anxiety can feel really overwhelming. Most of them have never learned that anxiety is a universal human experience; a normal, helpful emotion just like excitement or sadness, just with a whole lot of clever ‘design features’ built in, to keep us safe.

Of course, it makes sense they haven’t learned about anxiety. After all, most of us weren’t taught about it when we were younger – how are we supposed to feel confident teaching our kids things that we never learned?

Why anxiety feels so scary

Here’s the thing.

When any of us feel anxious, we are SUPPOSED to feel like we’re in danger – that’s one of its clever design features – so that we can ready ourselves to fight, freeze or flee our way to safety. And if our kids never learn that anxiety is safe, helpful and on our side, then it remains an unfamiliar experience that feels, as it should, frightening and dangerous.

But guess what happens when our children experience something that feels unfamiliar and dangerous? Well, they feel MORE anxious! And on it goes.

Layer after layer of needlessly escalating anxiety is added into the mix.

We could literally reduce anxiety’s impact on an entire generation of children if we simply taught them about it.

 Parents, carers and teachers for the win!

It’s true that it’s becoming near-impossible for many families to access mental health professionals, but rather than focus on how we might magically generate more fortnightly therapist appointments, I think it’s time we took another look at how we support our anxious children. Because, in many cases, it makes more sense that a Child Psychiatrist like me should share what I’ve learned in my specialist training with the people ultimately best placed to make a difference.

And that’s parents, carers and teachers. That’s you.

 This current service delivery model isn’t sustainable. Surely we can see that now. It just doesn’t make sense for our children to join lengthy waiting lists so that they can be taught about anxiety one-at-a-time, from in-demand professionals. There will still be a need by a small percentage of children to seek support from specialists and mental health professionals, but for the most part, the people best placed to teach and guide our children are the people they see everyday – the very same people who teach them about countless other things in life – their families and teachers.

What we can all do, starting now

We can ALL learn what to do and what to say so that our kids become more familiar with anxiety. Imagine the difference we could make collectively simply by mentioning and normalising anxiety at home and at school. That ominous ‘slippery slope’, two decades in the making, could finally change its trajectory if our children all learned that a safe, well-wired, helpful feeling should never stop them from doing the things they love or want to do in life.

Here are some things you can share with your children or students:

1. Anxiety is a normal and often helpful feeling. Sure, it might get a bit carried away sometimes, but anxiety itself is completely safe.
2. It wouldn’t be safe to be free of anxiety, so that shouldn’t be our goal, but we can all learn to control it when it’s not needed or feels too intense.
3. It often helps to talk to our anxiety as if it’s a well intentioned, overly helpful friend. “Thanks for looking out for me, but I don’t need your help right now – I’m safe and I’ve got this.”
4. If we feel anxious in a safe situation, we can simply stay put and the feeling will pass – much harder to build confidence in situations we avoid.
5. When we breathe more slowly, we send another message to our anxiety – there’s no danger, so it needn’t stick around to help.
6. Since it’s common for our neurodivergent kids to feel anxious when overwhelmed by too much sensory input, it will help them to figure out their triggers with you, along with ways they can help or be helped in future situations.
7. Picture books and nursery rhymes are great tools for teaching younger children about anxiety and the value of doing hard things (Incy Wincy Spider gives quite the masterclass in resiilience). (PS: Maggie has a list of children’s books and resources to support kids with anxiety here, so maybe start there).

Here’s a sneak peek at one of my Team Courage classroom videos for primary schools – it really breaks it down for you.

Of course, some of our children will still need extra support from a specialist like me. Thankfully, by embracing our role as ‘courage coaches’ for our kids, we’ll not only foster resilience and a greater sense of wellbeing in our own kids, but we’ll also help those for whom things are more complicated – shortening waiting lists and allowing them to access professional support more quickly. It’s a win-win situation.

The way I see it, simple, practical approaches relating to a universal human experience like anxiety, should be made…well… universally accessible.

Together, we’ve got this.

— Dr Kaylene Henderson
MBBS FRANZCP Cert C&A Psych
Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist and Founder of Team Courage

Image credit: © By ArturVerkhovetskiy/Depositphotos.com

About Kaylene

Dr Kaylene Henderson is a medically trained child health specialist and one of Australia’s leading parenting experts. She is also a very grateful mum to three awesome kids. Kaylene offers an online course called Courage Coaching – a 6 week self-paced program for parents/carers of anxious 4-12 year old children. In it she teaches you what to say and what to do, as you guide your kids towards greater calmness, resilience and courage. She is offering Maggie’s community 10% discount on the program. To access your discount, apply the coupon TeamMaggie10 at the checkout here.

Kaylene also offers a Team Courage program that offers anxiety, resilience and wellbeing support for primary schools.