Posts for Parents
From boys to men: Honouring the bridge to manhood
There has been so much coverage and conversation in the media and across our social feeds about the challenges of raising our boys to be healthy, happy men. It seems to have amplified over the past 18 months and I am not surprised as, since I wrote my 2020 book, From Boys to Men, there have been significant challenges added to this landscape.
The tech world is targeting both our girls and boys to make massive profits, by manipulating algorithms and content that is sadly more harmful than not. Teen boys in particular have been portrayed as damaged, flawed and highly problematic, something that is not only incorrect it is disrespectful and hurtful.
It is hard enough for boys navigating this incredibly stressful and confusing stage of development, without the reinforcement of problematic social norms of traditional patriarchy, especially that boys are tough and need to be stoic. Fortunately, male fragility, especially around mental health is now taken into much more consideration.
Traditional cultures have always taken the journey of adolescence very seriously.
The transformation from boy to man involves significant changes on so many levels – physically, cognitively, emotionally, hormonally and socially. As I have written over many years, change creates stress and confusion. It is no different for our boys. I have not only taught them, I have counselled them and I have raised four sons so I know how confused and lost many of them can feel. Research is showing that teen boys and young men are struggling at higher rates than previous generations.
They need help and guidance to learn how to navigate the confusing changes that are impacting them. If they don’t have a significant, safe, caring human they can come to in search of answers, many will turn to the digital world. When we listen to the voices of teen boys with curiosity and respect, we will find they are seeking answers to often innocent questions such as:
‘How do I get a girl to like me?’
Kirra Pendergast, my Digital Freedom co-author, explains clearly in the book how the tech world comes for that boy to manipulate him and steer him towards the extremes of the so-called manosphere. Not only will he be marinated in anti-female rhetoric and distorted views of male power he will be cultured in the need to focus on how he looks, rather than who he is as a person of character and potential.
Sadly, when a boy only hears how he is flawed and imperfect, he often stops trying to be anything else. The way the media and the digital world talk about our teen boys just makes everything worse.
“Every generation of men was shaped by someone who believed in their inherent virtues, in their value, and their potential”. –The Rites of Passage Institute.
Despite the doom and gloom that is evident in our world at the moment, I want to reassure you that we can still raise our boys to become good humans.
They will need the same anchors as their ancestors – safe, caring humans who offer mentorship and guidance, in respectful and compassionate ways, rather than with harsh judgement or lectures.
Boys need help to navigate failure in times of challenge, without destroying their own sense of self-worth. These same boys need to have the seeds of potential sown along with lots of hope, because despair, self-disgust and shame can turn into burdens that can become too much.
Rather than stepping forward with criticism and judgement, I believe that the collective approach can change at the grassroots level to counteract the negative influences targeting our boys at the moment.
A good starting point would be to check out my book From Boys to Men, and here are some other suggestions and talking points on how we can tame the ‘manosphere’ and guide our boys into healthy manhood.
Tips for guiding boys to healthy manhood
- We need to realise that it’s a far more confusing and complex world confronting our boys today, which is increasing uncertainty and vulnerability. It is different today and we need to understand why.
- We need to stop hitting, hurting, shaming and punishing boys when they make unintentional poor choices. Yes, they need boundaries and they need to be held accountable for their choices, but punitive measures do not help them learn how to make better choices. This approach can create deep shame that they can carry for life, which may inhibit their efforts to grow into good people.
- Every boy on the journey to manhood needs a minimum of one safe human who he genuinely can trust and who cares for him, and who will always have his back. The untethered boy is at the highest risk of getting lost or being harmed on the journey to manhood. The Raise Foundation does excellent work at finding mentors in our school systems. There are also lots of youth mentoring programs out there, so it’s worth checking some of them out yourself to find a good fit for your son. Some of those I’ve come across include: Blues and Greens, Top Blokes Foundation, Big Brothers Big Sisters Australia, Zero2Hero (WA) and Youth off the Street. There are lots of other ways too we can encourage lighthouses, as I call them, in our teens’ lives.
- Fatherhood needs to be celebrated as a significant influence on boys on this journey and it’s not just the importance of biological fathers, but father figures. Boys are hungry for a positive connection to their dads. The Fathering Project is supporting dads across Australia.
- Before our boys step onto the bridge to manhood and definitely beyond, we need to marinate them in the stories of good boys and men. Austin Appleby, 13, swam for four hours to get help for his mum and his siblings. Jack Berne as a 10-year-old created a Fiver for a Farmer and raised $1 million for struggling farmers. The creators of Orange Sky Australia were 19 years old when they created their first van that enabled homeless people to wash their clothes while having a chat to good humans. The world is full of good men doing important things – the algorithms don’t show these, so we need to.
- The most effective ways to communicate with boys are often different to what works best with our girls, and when navigated well, boys want to participate in those conversations.
- Parents, teachers and lighthouse figures need to be as proactive as possible in educating our boys and preventing them from accessing online pornography, violence and misogynistic content, as that can shape their perceptions of the world. It is pretty inevitable that kids today come across this content even if they are not looking, so it’s crucial we teach them how to think critically about it.
- We need more boy-friendly programs in late primary school that help build healthy expectations for boys and which teach emotional literacy, especially around anger and an understanding of managing failure, rejection and loneliness.
- Schools need to give priority to specialised programs run by good people who are competent at deconstructing unhealthy stereotypes with vulnerability and respect. (For example, Daniel Principe, The Man Cave, Enlighten Education’s Goodfellas program, Good Blokes to name just a few.)
- It is important in the teen years for our boys to hear the voices of girls, especially around the impact of sexual harassment and porn-influenced behaviour. We must have many conversations about (and model) what respect and consent really mean.
- Rites of passage programs, especially between 14 and 17, need to be given priority. Please look into this for your sons and daughters. We have a great list of programs here.
- Boys benefit from hearing the stories of safe older men in natural environments especially around campfires that includes humour, vulnerability, raw honesty and silence. Create these moments.
- Healthy relationships with mothers and mother figures are also significantly important. When mothers have a better understanding of what boys need in the journey of letting go, they can offer the support that our boys really need, which can often be different to what we women think they need.
- Encourage boys to think deeper and to listen to the wise voice within them by asking questions from time to time like: ‘if you could, how would you make the world a better place?’ Or ’what sort of man do you want to grow up to be?’ Or ‘how can you grow up to be a man that you would be proud of? Or ‘who is a man you really admire and why?’.
In the surveys that I have done with teen boys as research for my books, they display a depth of concern and insight that many people may find hard to believe.
Many of them shared how they wished their parents would have had deep and awkward conversations with them about the things that really matter on this journey to adulthood. Most of them are incredibly sensitive to disappointing and letting their parents down when they muck up ( often due to an increase in impulsivity, and poor self-regulation). They can come to believe that you can’t love them.
Reassuring them, especially using the phrase ‘no matter what’ can really make a difference during these challenging times. “We love you, we will always have your back – no matter what.”
There are many programs in schools and community which have recommended by folks in my community, and which can support our boys to shine. Here’s a list of some of those.
Finally, I want to shine the light on our teachers.
Research shows what a massive influence exceptional teachers can have in the lives of our boys. So often students will take a message away from a teacher, one they may never share with us for many, many years. In my experience, the boys in class don’t write as many thank you notes, or give you gifts of chocolates or candles – however they hold the memory of a significant moment of meaning, deeply in their hearts. This is a beautiful example from The Man Cave of exactly what I mean.
Let’s have fewer conversations framed around ‘problem boys’ and a lot more conversations about healthy manhood. Let’s join together and surround our boys with warmth, trust, genuine concern, laughter and bucketloads of hope, so we can guide more of them over the bridge to manhood with light and love.
Image: Samara Wheeldon Photography