Top Tips: Some Moments of Lightness

One of my all time worst brain farts…

I was shopping in Woolies with one of my sons (13) and I went up to a Woolies guy and asked, “Where was his nuts??” Meaning where the almonds etc were…well my poor son was so embarrassed…and then the Woolies guy went bright red…and I made it worse by saying, “Oh, not those nuts…you know, the ones in packets!!!” My son seldom went shopping with me after that…!!!

When I shared this story on Facebook recently we had such an overwhelmingly joyful sharing from our community in the comments we decided to document it here for those days when we might need a laugh!

These are some of the responses we got from our community…

I was on a plane and had a blocked nose, so asked a (male) flight attendant if he had something I could suck on while the plane descended. He was laughing so hard he couldn’t reply.

I asked the senior children in the PE shed the other day, if they had some ‘ball bags’ (bags to carry our balls down the field), they thought it was hilarious.

I was living in China and needed to purchase screws. I practiced the conversation with my Chinese teacher and went to the hardware store. Asked for a screw. The shopkeeper showed me towards the back room. I assumed that’s where they were kept. Oh no. Same concept in Chinese apparently. We did laugh about it. He thought I was an angel granting wishes!

I was 35 years old when I had a breakdown in Bunnings because I was doing my kitchen up and getting various things and he showed me butt hinges and I lost it laughing and I knew it was immature but I couldn’t stop … his face … it was made worse by the fact it was so dumb. Ah butt hinges, I still smirk when I go past them.

My husband walked into Bunnings this week and asked the guy to show him where the strip joint was (plastic strip to cover joins in fibro). They both had a big laugh.

Hubby took our then 4 year old to the supermarket. She got so excited that he put popcorn in the trolley she shouted out in joy, but managed to get the first P and C mixed up…so she shouted out COCKPORN in our local FoodWorks.

I went to the kebab shop and the lady said to me “$7.30” and I said chicken…she said “$7.30” and again I said chicken. I thought she was saying “did you get the turkey?”…so I kept saying chicken. I remember thinking…you don’t even have turkey!! Her accent was thick and we had a slight miscommunication.

We have a Hunter and a Carter, I have shockingly mixed their names together! We clearly didn’t think our choice of names through!

I’m a very gentle and caring paediatric nurse. One night a mum had to duck home to pick up something and when she came back asked how her baby had been. I meant to say something like “your baby has been a bit fussy” or “your baby is mucking up a little” but what I actually said was “your baby has been f***ing up!”

When you told a parent ‘love you’ at the end of the parent teacher interview.

When your brain doesn’t quite match your mouth…

I went into a little toy shop once and accidentally kicked a few balls along the floor. The shop owner and his friend were standing behind the counter talking. I said “sorry I just kicked your balls under the counter!” He still remembered me years later when I went back in.

My mum, brother and I were playing with a soccer ball (I was about 13), I accidentally said “Gimme a headJOB” instead of a “header”. We all stopped dead then burst out laughing. Mortified.

I was on the phone to my mortgage broker a few years ago, and as I said goodbye, he said “Love you, bye” I started laughing so hard, he was absolutely mortified as he’d had a brain fart as that’s how he normally says goodbye to his wife!

I had an awkward moment when I called the police and there was a nicely spoken man on the other end of the phone. I explained the theft we were watching, unfolding in front of our eyes. He asked my name and when I gave it to him he said ‘gosh, that’s a really nice name’… I paused for a moment before continuing on with the explanation of the theft.

This is so good! A female colleague introduced me to a male colleague and we were discussing improvements in the way we work. Half of me wanted to say “I see so many gaps”, the other half – “There are so many holes in this process”. I ended up saying to the male colleague “I have so many holes!”

I had a student many years ago who would constantly wander around the classroom and wear his pants really low so his underwear was showing. I meant to say “pull you pants up and sit down” but it came out as “pull your pants down and sit up.” We were both mortified.

I’ll never get over my Grandma ordering some “queen size shitted feet” over the phone. Then having an asthma attack because she was laughing so much. I think it was also Grandma who said we had some “dickies and bip” for afternoon tea.

My mum wanted to ask my husband if he was hangry or unwell…instead she asked if he was hung well!

I went to a JB HIFI store to get an sd card for my phone but instead kept asking for an STD card (more than once).

I went to the bakery today with my 71 year old mum. Whilst chatting to people in the line outside the bakery my mum starts telling them about a skit we saw on the TV about American TV hosts talking about the huge ‘mask debate’. It’s a pandemic, the ‘mask debate’ is everywhere. That American accent makes for some good entertainment here but I sooooo don’t want my mum talking about it.

My son’s play cricket. The first time they needed to get a box protector I went to look for one while they were at school (they were 6 and 8 years old at the time). I went to the cricket section at the sports store and a guy came up and asked if he could help. So of course I said yes and told him I needed a cricket protector box for my son. He then asked “How big is he?” I looked at him very awkwardly trying to work out what he meant by that, he looked at me really awkwardly after just realising what he had asked. I replied “um….he’s 8 years old…”. He grabbed a small from the shelf, I quickly paid and ran out of the shop! Ever since then the boys go with hubby to do their “box shopping”!

A friend once yelled out to her partner who was playing hockey – rather than “watch your wing Russell” said “watch your ring Wussell”. Gee I laughed and laughed.

Just yesterday with my Year 3 class, I was going over the rules for some games (again) and I meant to say “we need to use the equipment responsibly”. I noticed one of my kids bouncing around and holding himself (we all know what that means) so what I actually said was “we need to use the toilet responsibly”. The class lost it!!

Hired a car in Ireland once. At the hire desk when I was picking up the keys, the lady kept saying “it’ll be dirty”. Doesn’t matter. No, “that car will be dirty”. Again, doesn’t matter…. Argh, she was saying “thirty”, as in the car hire will be €30.

I nearly asked the guy at the Woolies fruit and veg section if he had loose nuts but stopped myself just before the words came out of my mouth. I ended up getting sunflower seeds for my salad instead.

A while back I went to ask my friend “do I have strawberry pips in my teeth?” But what came out was “do I have strawberry tits?”

Well, it’s good to know we’re not alone…

On meeting my future brother in law for the first time we were discussing unusual foods we had tried, I loudly declared in a full restaurant that ‘I really enjoy tongue’ …I never lived that down.

In the high school band playing a set at a posh golf club do. Band conductor announced we’d have a 15 minute break. Tired 14yo me, needing a break and a rest, stood up and announced “Thank God, I need a breast!”

When a colleague asked where I got the stretching thing I kept my work keys on, I said “My husband gave me my stretchy thing”. We stood for five minutes in silent hysteria trying not to wet ourselves.

I wanted to ask my dad if he had tried activated almonds. I didn’t think he’d understand what that was so I simplified it and asked if he’d tried wet nuts.

I was so used to ‘on the phone’ customer service that when I once returned to a customer in store I asked them “are you there?” (As I would have if we had been on the phone).

I did very similar the other day – was face to face with a colleague and said ‘I’m just ringing to say…”

In biology class I went to answer the teacher “Organisms”, what came out of my mouth was “Orgasm”!

Last night at work I went to say “would you like a carry bag for your burgers?” and said “would you like a carry burger”.

My favourite blooper is tripping up a little old lady then screaming at her, “Are you f***ng sorry?”

Tried to tell a patient ‘lovely to meet you’ whilst trying to click something on the computer for their next appointment and said ‘love you’ instead. I am a definite brainfarter, splice two words together unintentionally all the time.

I once went into a camera shop…(so a while ago) and started using a touch screen in the front of the store…exclaiming to my then 13 year old what a lot of interesting things cameras did nowadays…just then a worker approached me and said, “Please stop that madam you are re-setting all our equipment.” 13 year old dragged me away asap and would not walk past that shop for years!

I once called over the radio to maintenance men that I needed them in my office ASAP as I had a screw loose. (The door was actually falling off). Luckily they came quickly and told me they already knew that. Lol.

I lived on a farm and asked the butcher, “What’s the difference between lamb and beef?”…lol

This brings back memories of when I went to the deli and needed to order 300gms of shaved light ham. What I asked for though was 300gms of shite.

My daughter meant to say that she was going to feed her fishies, but what she actually said was that she was going to “fish her feedies” so that’s what we say every time now.

I was in a toy shop with my boys, they had money to spend and I wanted them to go and choose what they wanted. I wanted to say “go nuts” and “go for your life” at the same time and instead I yelled out to them in the busy toy shop “go for your nuts!!”

We still laugh about the time I called to book the dog in for a wash and said “OK I’ll see you tomorrow then?” And the dog washer replied “yup sure, no worries, love you”. He was a bit shyer than usual the next day.

At local butcher and grabbed a lemon tart and cashier guy said do you come and buy this every week? I said no first time just getting for hubby – he’s a sucker for a tart.

I was stressed at work, answering over 100 calls a day. I picked up the phone and meant to say “How can I help you?” and “Who would you like to speak to?” But ended up accusing “WHO IS THIS?!?”

My son often says “give me a sec” when I ask him to get off his games. One night I’d had enough of asking over and over so I yelled out (while his online friends could hear) “no more secs!!”

I am renowned for brain farts and one time many years ago at my very first Early Educators job, it was the end of the day and in my mind I was saying introduce ‘yourself to the parent and tell them about their child’s sleep’ and what I actually said was…”Hi, my name is Kylie I’m new in the bedroom!” This was said to a very handsome dad who I found out a few months later worked in the adult film industry (not as an actor).

I was at a Christmas toy giveaway day for families who were experiencing financial stress – we had a lucky dip for kids, but I accidentally asked them if they wanted a go of the luppy dick. So bad. Fortunately the kids didn’t hear the error, just the two teens helping me did who then proceeded to laugh and laugh and laugh at my expense.

I had a client on the phone who wanted help and I got caught between, “Let’s get the ball rolling” and “Let’s put things in motion” but said, “Come on in and let’s get the balls in motion!”

Oh my goodness this is me….even worse when I have a migraine. When I had a migraine I told someone, I need a dentist instead of, “I need to go to the chemist…” I tried 3 times then just cried instead.

I worked at HJ’s as a teen. The amount of times I said ‘shitshake’ instead of ‘thick shake’ is disturbing. But always makes me giggle when I think about it.

Remember the time you asked for a chopped dick paddle pop instead of a choc chip paddle pop.

Very very funny, I remember ringing to make an appointment for a blow dry and of course I said can I make an appointment for blow job ha ha and hung up.

And the brainfarting continues…

When I had young children I rang a doctor I work with but he was busy. I asked the receptionist to please “tell him mummy called” and could he call me back.

I was is New Caledonia on holiday where they speak French. Trying to be polite out at dinner one night I ended up saying merci (thank you) a LOT to the serving staff etc. Fast forward to getting back to our hotel where a lady in the elevator greeted us with bonjour (hello) and yep sure enough I responded with merci … thanking her for saying hello.

I’ve been embarrassed when someone has said Hello and I’ve responded with Good Thanks… Like, we’re not there yet, brain!!

Working as a teller in the bank I was supposed to call my next customer and say “may I help you” and said “may I hold you” (embarrassment but had to continue).

I’m always referring to ‘hales of bay’ instead of ‘bales of hay’. Work colleagues Lee and Trisha, I once collectively called ‘Tree and Lisha’ it came out so fluently I shocked myself.

I had a friend ask me once “do you like bakin’?” and me being South African said “yes, I really do like bacon nice n crispy” and she burst out laughing “no bakin’ as in baking cakes!” That accent threw me haha.

I was once at work trying to take a customer’s order. But we had a new trainee on and they were taking an order right behind me. Their customer asked her a question and I was listening carefully while speaking to my table. Then I realised I wasn’t saying what I thought, I was repeating verbatim what I was hearing behind me and my group was staring at me like I’d sprouted 2 heads!! So embarrassing! I went on to explain what happened and they were ok about it and had a laugh. But oh my.

Bunnings with elderly dad and asked assistant that my dad was looking for the hoes.

Haha I was trying to explain at a coffee shop about the biscotti to a friend, she doesn’t like it as it’s too hard, and I was like…you dip it in and suck it off…it took me a second…the barista was horrified.

I once asked the butcher if he had any brains.

I once ordered two lemon turd carts at a coffee shop!

I said I love you NOT thank you to the McCafé drive thru lady on presentation of my pre work coffee.

I need to write a book on my dad’s comments. He’s gone up to the movie counter asking the guy for ‘4 tickets to Larry Potter’, asked for ‘karaoke chicken’ instead of ‘teriyaki chicken’ at Subway, and when we were kids told us off for not getting ready for school and to ‘stop watching that ‘pokemontas crap’. (Got confused between Pokémon/pocahontas)

Years ago, a friend worked at KFC and a customer ordered a “10 piece fun bucket” which used to be on the menu…over the microphone to the kitchen she said “one 10 piece bum-fucket”…it was 19 years ago and I still have tears in my eyes from laughing every time I think of it.

I put my hand up at a personal growth workshop and said ‘I have a hairy one’ Meaning a hairy question! The workshop leader just burst out laughing and the class erupted in giggles!

My mum, referring to the now cooked fish said “get that f**ker outta there!” She meant to say sucker.

A friend said when she was working at Sephora, she was doing makeup on a lady and she was meant to say “I like how it sits on your skin” but instead she said “I like how I sit on your skin”.


Image credit: ©️ yavyav /Adobe Stock –