Some special advice from respected & well-loved experts on teens

If I had to pick one thing that all parents of adolescents could download and know to the very core of their being, it is this: “It’s not personal; it’s adolescence.” This time of development as Maggie has so brilliantly outlined is ripe with profound transformation from brain to body to heart and mind. Your adolescent is going through a time where their earth’s axis has tilted and it is their job to question everything. Throughout, they will have one hand yearningly reaching backwards to the safety of their childhood. And one hand stretching forward to the tantalizing independence of eventual adulthood. So it makes sense that there are moments where they will be more childlike, and moments where they will certainly be pushing you away. Imagine, if in all the topsy turvy moments of back and forth you could neutrally observe the pendulum swing and marvel at how incredible it is that you were gifted this brilliantly on-track kid! That you get to witness front and centre their incredible transformation into all that they are intended to be. That nothing – literally nothing – about any of this was taken personally by you and instead, was gratefully witnessed. Not only would you come through your child’s adolescent period far less stressed, so too would your child. And if it helps to remember to “Quit Taking It Personally”, go ahead and stuff a Q-tip in your pocket, keep one sitting clearly visible on your nightstand, and have one taped to the dash of your car as an ever-present reminder…it’s not personal, it’s adolescence.

Dr Vanessa Lapointe, author, parenting coach.

I often describe raising a teen as them waking up one morning and crawling into the teen-tunnel of doom. Sadly, it often means that they have to leave their words and cooperation at the tunnel mouth while they make the metamorphic journey towards adulthood. Not to worry too much, there are windows in the tunnel that your teen will journey past where you will catch sight of that beautiful little bunny who sat on your lap declaring that they loved you so much they wanted to marry you one day. Some take longer to enter the tunnel, and for some the tunnel is mercifully short, but regardless, each and every teen must make the tunnel pilgrimage to reach adulthood. For parents, I hold out three pieces of advice that have served me well as I’ve been the teen-tugboat, pulling up gently alongside and guiding and steering my boys around the rocks and hazards of teen existence. Firstly, don’t take the self-renovations of your teen personally – this is not a reflection of your parenting, it is an essential self-sculpturing of their adult identity, morals and values and it’s messy. Secondly, lean in like never before – while their behaviour can drive you away, just love them through it and stay deeply connected. They’ve never needed you so much in their lives. Finally, if it doesn’t feel right to you – the moodiness, grumpiness, withdrawal… has settled in and taken up residence – get help. Trust your gut and try not to write everything off to just being a teen. They need us more than ever before to navigate them safely through the chaos and messiness into glorious adulthood.

Claire Orange, co-founder, Best Programs4 Kids, founder of DiGii Social

When teenagers are testing and you’re wondering if you’re cut out for all of this?
I SEE YOU. YES, YOU ARE SEEN
And you know the old saying; bigger kids = bigger problems, well you guessed it, these challenges switch your mind to high alert, and your innate need for protect your family becomes intense.
Let that intense feeling in your head and heart, be your personal driver to look for the little wins hiding in mysterious places, to keep you and your teenagers moving on and upwards.
And when you’re at your tipping point and your tank is low, search hard for silence and the space you need to gather yourself, re-set and keep showing up.

When life feels way too hard, and teenage challenges are coming in thick and fast.
I HEAR YOU. YES, YOU ARE HEARD
You’re juggling so much from the moment you wake up, until you eventually fall into bed, exhausted at the end of a full-on day.
It’s what you do, it’s what you will always do for your children, because you are the parent they need. You keep showing up and being good enough for you and for them, which is totally e-n-o-u-g-h!

Let that land in your wondering mind and guide your next parenting decision. The juggle is real, but you’ve got this.

If you’re wondering if the drama will dissipate, or the whirlwind of adolescent hormones will ever chill?
I UNDERSAND YOU, YES, YOU ARE UNDERSTOOD
Use your very special parent energy to lead the way. Take time to soothe your nervous system, so you can maintain the calm you need for you, and your precious teen.
It’s hard, I get it, no one said it would be easy.
But this is a whispering reminder to take care of you and allow others to care of you too. Because you know how it goes; you can’t pour from an empty cup.

If you’re wondering .. what’s next?
I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU. YES, YOU ARE ACKNOWLEDGED
Life with modern day teens, in our modern day fast-paced world, can place the most invisible load on your parenting shoulders.
Go back to absolute basics. Bunker down, do what makes you feel complete, have conversations that soothe you, eat food that heals, enjoy sleep that nurtures you and be with people who love you.

Let’s take care of each other…
This is one heck of a ride that can test our grit and fill us with so much love and joy, all at the same time! Then without a blink of an eye, from turmoil and challenge, we are called to pick ourselves up and cook dinner again.
Oh, the reality is only ever one breath away!

Claire Eaton, author, speaker, youth mindset coach

When our kids feel pain, their most natural instinct is to turn to us, their parents. They may not turn to us with an open heart, but with rage, or blame, or extreme behaviour that turns our world into chaos. That’s very tough. Please know the “thing” they are looking for is a sense of safety. When you feel like they don’t want you, it’s time to step forward. We can seldom go wrong when we plug their dark, and sometimes prolonged times of poor mental health, with deep-rooted unconditional parental love. We literally stabilise the fragile parts of their hearts when we give them messages like – I am here for you, no matter what. You are dearly loved just the way you are. Nothing can stand between me and my love for you. You can depend on me to stand with you. Tomorrow can be so much different, so let’s hang on together.

Don’t underestimate the cups of tea, the extra snacks, the foot rubs, the sitting together in silence…just being in space together. Storms do pass, or at the very least subside. However, the messages we have demonstrated during the storm will be etched in their hearts, forever.

Michelle Mitchell, author, speaker, educator

You know them better than anyone and you’ve loved them through all of it. They began as your tiny one who needed you for everything and always, then your little one who wanted you close. Now they have to find a way to hold on and let go all at once. So do we. Gosh it can be tough though. This is the beautiful, maddening, wondrous everythingness that comes with parenting an adolescent. They will need us more than ever, and they need to discover who they are without us. They will love us as much as ever, and sometimes it won’t feel that way. We will fight with warrior daring to keep their world safe and soft, and sometimes our world will clash with theirs with meteoric flare. We will crave them, their faces, their voices, and we will long for space for a while. There will be good days, great days, and dreadful days. Because parenting a teen can be like that – beautiful, frustrating, life-giving, irrational, imperfect. Because we are, and they are. Through it all – the fights, the push-backs, the pull-aways, they will long to feel close and connected to you. I’ve never met an adolescent who wants otherwise. It won’t always feel that way though because they have important work to do, and some of this has to happen without you. There’s an image that comes to mind: Imagine you and your teen inside a big rubber band. They are at one end, and you are at the other. Their job is to see how far they can stretch it. Your job is to hold steady while they do. Sometimes it will feel like the band will break. Sometimes it’s like it’s drawing blood. Sometimes you’ll need to tighten the ‘give’ in that band. Sometimes loosen. Always though, your teen will need you to hold steady, predictably, lovingly – because when the stretch feels too much, they’ll need somewhere to come back to that feels like home. Not a place or a building, but a calmness, a certainty, and a strong, loving acceptance of them and who they are (even if not always what they do). Some days you’ll do this with ease. Some days not so much. But that’s parenting for you. It was never meant to be about knowing what we are doing all the time or loving it all the time. It was never meant to be about perfection. It’s about loving who they are through what they do, guiding them without holding them back, and staying close while letting go. We don’t need to parent them as perfect adults, but as the adults we want them to be – brave, compassionate, open-hearted, undiluted, with room to rest, to reach, to make mistakes and grow. They are our change-makers, dreamers, questioners, teachers, and we, their parents, are theirs. When we make space for the wondrous, maddening, complicated everythingness of ourselves as parents, we light the way for the perfectly imperfect, wondrous everythingness of them to grow.

Karen Young, Hey Sigmund

Our teens are just as messy a species as toddlers – just in bigger bodies.

They are just as in awe of the world as they were as toddlers. They are just as inexperienced in understanding the dangers that threaten their safety. They are just as determined to explore new freedoms and opportunities. They are just as prone to frustration, confusion, fear, and disorientation of their direction as our feisty toddlers once were. And trust me when I say this: They still want to be pursued.

Nancy from Raising Teens Today

Finally, being able to stay calm when responding to unsettled teens goes a long way toward helping them regain emotional control… That said, we should do our best to make ourselves a secure base that adolescents can count on when they need to psychologically regroup. How do we do that? By accepting the emotional upheaval is a central feature of adolescence…

Research shows that being able to take an interest in your teen’s emotional turmoil and respond to it supportively provides immediate psychological comfort and can also protect adolescents against more significant psychological concerns down the line.

Let’s embrace the full emotional lives of teenagers and help them do the same. By doing so, we ready them to head out to the world, prepared to grow, to thrive, to care for themselves and to care about others.

Lisa Damour, from The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising connected, capable and passionate adolescents.